May 5th, 2025
Potentially upsetting topics: Health (upper GI) problems, hospital stays, surgery, doctor/nurse talk, lots of crying, chronic pain, depression/suicidal talk. I'm bad at content warnings sorry idk 😢 But it's generally good news!
As short as possible: I've been having mysterious and variable abdominal pain for the last ~18 months. Most recently (about 10 days ago) I went to the ER for yet another multi-hour bout of agony, and ended up leaving the hospital 5 days later with a stent in my billary tract and my gallbladder removed. 👍. I'm having some other pain on my left side still, but I had a pretty reassuring appointment with my gastro that it's probably ulcers (Stress + surgery + post-surgery ibuprofen + I love fruit and other acidic foods + crazy stomach acid during hospital from being NPO multiple days + antibiotics; I'm not surprised.) and nothing scary scary like pancreas problems. I don't have a poetic bone in my body and my brain is still kind of frazzled so here's really scattered thoughts and anecdotes about this ordeal:
1.) According to someone from the surgery team, I had a huge gallbladder in both the concerning medical way (wide and full of stones) and also just in general; very long. Neat?
2.) I don't think of this blog much, it's mostly just impulsive or super bored rambling, so I don't remember what all I've talked about. However: I do remember being publically excited for getting a jar of chili oil; which in retrospect is so fucking funny. To go from that, to mysterious long-term abdominal pain, to gallbladder removal.
3.) I actually don't mind medical stuff at all but, humiliatingly, I was so stressed/in pain the whole hospital trip I was constantly crying. That's incredibly embarrassing, I'm almost 30 :-(. I woke up from my ERCP and was chatting with the woman in the recovery room; I kept apologizing for sounding so gross and having no idea why my nose was so stuffed. She kept mentioning that other people and even herself, get really emotional while still under the effects of [idk what sedative]. Then I realized I was probably SOBBING about something prior to this level of awake/awareness, that's why my nose was stuffy. 😬
4.) I was a really weird flurry of emotions the whole time. Thankful that I had an answer, so happy that it was bad enough to require "urgent" surgery. Lots of guilt for existing and wasting everybody's time, regardless (default state for me) Really sad and feeling kind of un-supported by my friends/family. BUT! Every single person who worked in the hospital was actually amazing. Absolute angels. So many people have AWFUL experiences with the healthcare world, I almost feel like I'm getting away with something with how well things have gone for me.
5.) My hospital room was by the nurse's station and I learned that everybody was really excited for bookclub but no one can dedicate the time to a day this month for it. 😔
6.) Without sharing other peoples' business too much, I also learned there was a very rude problem patient somewhere on the floor. Someone was attending to my roommate and I heard her get back to back to back bombarded for pain meds on the nurses...call...thing. [I do not know how nurse call/stations work] the nurse said she would let the patients' nurse know she needed help, and that was all. Within 10 minutes I heard that same nurse talking with someone else at the station - she was simultaneously understanding, but disappointed in herself for her dissmissive approach. She talked about how she was just so mentally worn down from that patient, and couldn't bring herself to be empathetic to someone who was treating her so poorly in that moment. She was upset with herself but wasn't going to self-flagellate, because she knows it wouldn't solve anything to make herself feel worse purposely. This moment stood out to me so much, because to have that level of self-reflection in such a short time, while still working, and being able to articulate it so well is kind of insane and really admirable to me. I'm very good at over-thinking, for all the good and the bad. But I don't have turn around time like that, holyyyyyyyyy.
7.) Going back, I think part of the reason the last year has been so rough mentally is because of how much it (to me at least) affected my relationships. I'm in pain, so I'm more prone to complaining. I'm not fun to hang out with anymore. I don't go out or do things anymore, I'm boring. I'm depressed, I'm not fun to talk to. I got a lot of nausea, so even just sitting in restaurants (my friends' favorite way of hanging out) was hard for me; let alone eating. A hotpot place opened nearby. It felt like my friends were constantly finding every excuse to go there. To the world's food-smelliest restaurant that has a 2 hour time limit so my friends will do everything in their power to make sure they're there for as long as possible.
8.) I felt unsupported by my friends during my hospital stay, but entirely of my own making - I didn't tell any of them LOL. Because the whole time during I knew I would just get jokes and comments and passive-aggressive joke/comments that I was not in the mood for. I was sad and lonely but I don't regret this choice.
9.) THEY MEANT WELL! I'M SURE OF IT!! THIS PERSON IS EXTREMELY SWEET!!! But also the first friend I told after my hospital stay bought me a giant pack of various instant soups as a get well gift... If you have a friend who has learned to despise food and eating over the course of a year... please consider buying them literally anything but food.
10.) I had an IV put in around noon on Tuesday, and it didn't come out until Saturday evening. A couple of people throughout the week said "That's a good IV!" [I have no idea what makes one good or bad.] I'm a little sad for that first nurse that put it in - she'll never know how good her IV was!
11.) I know better than to assume everything is over, but at least this feels like really big/good step in the right direction. I've had depression my whole life, but over a year of near-constant physical pain made it so much worse. Good: it did spur me to start therapy again. Bad: therapy is sad and brings up a lot of sad things. It's easy to ruminate when you're at home, physically unwell. There's lots of little things. I've lost a lot of weight but I don't have an ounce of muscle on me anymore, so I really do not like how I look. I've lost a lot of weight, so none of my clothing fits anymore! That costs money and energy that I do not have to replace. And I look/feel horrible. I don't feel like myself. I hate going to bed because I now associate it with ruminating and night-pain flare ups.
Overthinking/vent: I think my friends are embarrassed or at least hesitant to spend time with me because I look so bad and act so miserable. Earlier this year, I had a weird scenario where I was asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I considered my state of being + the weather and suggested we just hang out at someone's house and...hang out. Chat, snacks, games, whatever. I was given a 👍, and then promptly ignored for the 4 weeks before and after my birthday, LOL :-( . Was it because I didn't want to go to a restaurant it was... not fun? too hard? Maybe my friends all decided after that nobody wanted to host? The worst part is; it would have been fine if it was never brought up to begin with! But someone asked and that planted the constant "I have to be ready to last-second leave the house at any moment" anxiety in me for like a month.
Wait, so what actually happened?
I went to the ER for abdominal pain, and CT scan/ultrasound and bloodwork showed my gallbladder and liver were upset. ER doctor called surgery team and it was decided that I wasn't bad enough for emergency* but they didn't feel comfortable sending me home, they wanted to remove my gallbladder SOON.
In the mean time, I had an ERCP (Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography). IE a little camera (and other surgery tools) that go down your throat to check out your upper GI tract. Cleveland Clinic info page on ERCPs. During mine in particular, they found a stuck gallstone, which they cut out; and then placed a plastic stent in my main billary duct. During ERCPs you are under heavy sedation** and you don't feel anything. They're a really neat medical procedure!
I had a couple of brutal days of being NPO (no food/drink - just IV fluids and medicine) with really bad acid reflux symptoms while waiting for surgery. I ate SO many tums. Mentally this was rough because I was stuck with a machine that screams at you when the fluid bag runs out - so I was constantly at risk of bothering my roommate/others; and nurses had to waste their time replacing; and since I was right next to the nurses station it was a weird in-between of "obviously they can hear it but do I still technically have to call and ask for someone to refill it". I literally would have rathered having actually no food or water [and just like, died I guess] than that. There were a lot of embarrassed sorry/thank yous that week 😭.
I did on average, though, "get" to eat once a day before my surgery, because the team would realize there's no time for me and send word up for me to get something before the kitchen closed. I had a chicken breast sandwich that was literally just the world's plainest grilled chicken breast, lettuce, and wheat bun. That's not noteworthy, hospital food has to be plain. Despite being the world's plainest grilled chicken breast, it was also the most perfectly cooked, juicy, somehow naturally flavorful chicken breast I've ever eaten. I wish I could thank whoever the cook at my hospital was, personally. I watched this video around the time it came out and ordering food during my stay reminded me of it. I wonder if the kitchen where I stayed is comparable. My only food complaint isn't even a food complaint - it's just that my body wasn't used to whole grains so I got super bloated after that first chicken sandwich LOL.
Anyway, eventually I got my surgery. I was significantly less anxious (probably from multiple days of half sleep + oxycodone), and in a good way I don't remember much. I had my gallbladder laparoscopically removed (as opposed to open surgery) (So: 4 small incisions rather than 1 large one) and the surgery went great AFAIK (Technically haven't had my follow up yet, but hey)! I remember being moved to tears because after my surgery, a nurse helped me walk to the bathroom. I know its because she's being paid, but the fact still that someone let the worlds nastiest groggiest greasiest (I couldn't take a real shower) stranger lean against them to the bathroom and back was like... the kindest thing that I've experienced in a long time LOL.
And then the next day I went home! With laparoscopic surgery, you typically can leave day-of but discharge timing/deciding to just be careful brought me to the next evening. Maybe in the future I can yap endlessly about at-home recovery. I have yapped too much for one night here, however.
*If you don't have context: this is good. Emergency surgery means you're bleeding out, an organ is rotting or exploded, or something else is on the cusp of killing you. I am very okay with my surgery not being immediate LOL.)
**I reiterate: I actually have no issue with medical procedures! Unfortunately I just crumble under stress and cry a lot and am emotional for many other reasons, which obviously translates as "anxious about impending medical procedure" to healthcare professionals. Everybody on this team was so sweet in particular 🥲. IDK if its true or if they just say it, but you may or may not get/need more medicine if you're super nervous. I remember I started relax emotionally after the mouth guard thing was in/I think they taped that foam block to my head LOL. I remember someone on the team was asking questions, so I answered what I knew, with the mouth piece in; and after a minute she was like "OK dude you have SO much sedative in you, HOW are you still talking this much???" I was trying to be helpful LMFAO. I was out cold once I stopped talking.
Underthinking/unrelated: I made a bear blog but I'm feeling too stupid to set it up currently! I hate how I make blogs by hand for this website, and also just in general how I write. I meant this post as more of a "what I've been up to" even though its mostly just about the last couple weeks. You don't have to feel bad for me LOL.